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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jeremy Lin's Departure Teaches Knicks Fans Important Lesson About Getting Excited By The Knicks

NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' decision Tuesday not to match the Houston Rockets' three-year, $25-million offer for point guard Jeremy Lin, depressed New York fans learned a valuable lesson about ever feeling even the slightest bit of excitement for their team. "Goddammit," longtime fan Erik Reid, 52, said upon hearing the Knicks had opted to acquire Raymond Felton from Portland in lieu of re-signing Lin, the team's sole bright spot in an otherwise forgettable 2011-2012 season. "I guess it makes sense when you think about the Ewing-Riley team of the '90s, the entire Isiah Thomas era, spending $100 million on Amar'e Stoudemire, LeBron James choosing Miami over New York, and basically every single management decision under James Dolan. Christ, I really should know better by now." As of press time, Reid had spent several minutes staring wistfully at his Knicks season ticket-renewal form before begrudgingly filling it out and putting it in the mail.

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