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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jeremy Lin's Departure Teaches Knicks Fans Important Lesson About Getting Excited By The Knicks

NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' decision Tuesday not to match the Houston Rockets' three-year, $25-million offer for point guard Jeremy Lin, depressed New York fans learned a valuable lesson about ever feeling even the slightest bit of excitement for their team. "Goddammit," longtime fan Erik Reid, 52, said upon hearing the Knicks had opted to acquire Raymond Felton from Portland in lieu of re-signing Lin, the team's sole bright spot in an otherwise forgettable 2011-2012 season. "I guess it makes sense when you think about the Ewing-Riley team of the '90s, the entire Isiah Thomas era, spending $100 million on Amar'e Stoudemire, LeBron James choosing Miami over New York, and basically every single management decision under James Dolan. Christ, I really should know better by now." As of press time, Reid had spent several minutes staring wistfully at his Knicks season ticket-renewal form before begrudgingly filling it out and putting it in the mail.

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