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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jeremy Lin's Departure Teaches Knicks Fans Important Lesson About Getting Excited By The Knicks

NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' decision Tuesday not to match the Houston Rockets' three-year, $25-million offer for point guard Jeremy Lin, depressed New York fans learned a valuable lesson about ever feeling even the slightest bit of excitement for their team. "Goddammit," longtime fan Erik Reid, 52, said upon hearing the Knicks had opted to acquire Raymond Felton from Portland in lieu of re-signing Lin, the team's sole bright spot in an otherwise forgettable 2011-2012 season. "I guess it makes sense when you think about the Ewing-Riley team of the '90s, the entire Isiah Thomas era, spending $100 million on Amar'e Stoudemire, LeBron James choosing Miami over New York, and basically every single management decision under James Dolan. Christ, I really should know better by now." As of press time, Reid had spent several minutes staring wistfully at his Knicks season ticket-renewal form before begrudgingly filling it out and putting it in the mail.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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