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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jeremy Shockey Offers To Tear Down New Orleans Residents' Homes

NEW ORLEANS—Inspired to donate his time to the people of New Orleans after touring a neighborhood in the troubled Ninth Ward Monday, Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey volunteered to help residents demolish their homes by using a sledgehammer to knock down walls, razing buildings with a bulldozer, or shooting out windows with a nail gun. "No one should have to live anywhere near houses that look like this," Shockey said. "As a new member of this community, I feel it's my duty to keep working until every person in this neighborhood has a house that's been leveled." According to local residents, Shockey has already destroyed three Habitat for Humanity structures, dismantled several United Way projects, and flattened at least a dozen homes rebuilt since 2006.

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