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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jerry Buss Surprisingly Leaves Entire Estate To Former Laker Luke Walton

LOS ANGELES—In an unexpected turn of events, sources confirmed Saturday that billionaire Jerry Buss, the widely beloved owner of the Los Angeles Lakers who passed away at the age of 80 last week, has left his entire fortune to the team’s former small forward Luke Walton. “My dear Luke: I leave you everything I have, as you are the sole benefactor of my estate,” read a portion of Buss’ will obtained by reporters, which specified that Walton would inherit over $1.6 billion in money and assets, including ownership of the Lakers, from the late real estate mogul. “You were like a son to me, so I want to ensure that you’re always taken care of and never have to worry about money again. Trading you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life, but I just hope you know how much I always cared about you.” At press time, an emotional Walton was reportedly able to finally quit his low-paying and demeaning job as a bench player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.

UPDATE: Walton has fired the entire Lakers front office, replaced head coach Mike D’Antoni with Phil Jackson, and cut Dwight Howard.

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