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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jerry Buss Surprisingly Leaves Entire Estate To Former Laker Luke Walton

LOS ANGELES—In an unexpected turn of events, sources confirmed Saturday that billionaire Jerry Buss, the widely beloved owner of the Los Angeles Lakers who passed away at the age of 80 last week, has left his entire fortune to the team’s former small forward Luke Walton. “My dear Luke: I leave you everything I have, as you are the sole benefactor of my estate,” read a portion of Buss’ will obtained by reporters, which specified that Walton would inherit over $1.6 billion in money and assets, including ownership of the Lakers, from the late real estate mogul. “You were like a son to me, so I want to ensure that you’re always taken care of and never have to worry about money again. Trading you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life, but I just hope you know how much I always cared about you.” At press time, an emotional Walton was reportedly able to finally quit his low-paying and demeaning job as a bench player on the Cleveland Cavaliers.

UPDATE: Walton has fired the entire Lakers front office, replaced head coach Mike D’Antoni with Phil Jackson, and cut Dwight Howard.

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