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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Jerry Jones Not Ruling Out Someday Trading Way Too Much For Johnny Manziel

IRVING, TX—After surprisingly passing on the opportunity to pick quarterback Johnny Manziel during last week’s NFL Draft, Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones told reporters Thursday he has not ruled out eventually trading away far too much to acquire the former Texas A&M star. “Make no mistake, we may have passed on Johnny in the draft, but I’m still leaving the door open to impulsively trade away our future first- and second-round picks for him if we don’t make the playoffs next season,” said Jones, adding that firing head coach Jason Garrett in a moment of pure panic before buying out the remainder of Tony Romo’s recent $108 million contract extension is not entirely off the table either. “Even tossing in a linchpin veteran player to sweeten the deal while bringing on a brand-new coach who will be permanently attached at the hip to Manziel is well within the realm of possibility for us. Johnny could very well be the starting quarterback of a completely gutted Dallas Cowboys team in the future.” Jones also confirmed that he would be equally open to someday cutting Manziel after poor showings in his first four games as a Cowboy.

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