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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jerry Jones Not Ruling Out Someday Trading Way Too Much For Johnny Manziel

IRVING, TX—After surprisingly passing on the opportunity to pick quarterback Johnny Manziel during last week’s NFL Draft, Dallas Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones told reporters Thursday he has not ruled out eventually trading away far too much to acquire the former Texas A&M star. “Make no mistake, we may have passed on Johnny in the draft, but I’m still leaving the door open to impulsively trade away our future first- and second-round picks for him if we don’t make the playoffs next season,” said Jones, adding that firing head coach Jason Garrett in a moment of pure panic before buying out the remainder of Tony Romo’s recent $108 million contract extension is not entirely off the table either. “Even tossing in a linchpin veteran player to sweeten the deal while bringing on a brand-new coach who will be permanently attached at the hip to Manziel is well within the realm of possibility for us. Johnny could very well be the starting quarterback of a completely gutted Dallas Cowboys team in the future.” Jones also confirmed that he would be equally open to someday cutting Manziel after poor showings in his first four games as a Cowboy.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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