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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jerry Jones On Cowboys' Loss: 'This Was The Worst 9/11 Ever'

NEW YORK—Saying it "might be years before America's Team recovers from the devastation," Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told reporters Monday his team's 27-24 defeat by the New York Jets on Sept. 11 marked the worst 9/11 on record. "I'll never forget where I was on Sept. 11 when that punt was blocked and our team just collapsed," said Jones, adding that he was still struggling to comprehend the enormity of the loss. "All I could do was watch from the sidelines… I kept thinking, 'This can't be happening. This can't be real.' But it was." The almost inconsolable Jones stated that "As of 9/11, we are all Dallas Cowboys" before succumbing to grief and being escorted from the building.

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