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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jerry Jones On Cowboys' Loss: 'This Was The Worst 9/11 Ever'

NEW YORK—Saying it "might be years before America's Team recovers from the devastation," Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told reporters Monday his team's 27-24 defeat by the New York Jets on Sept. 11 marked the worst 9/11 on record. "I'll never forget where I was on Sept. 11 when that punt was blocked and our team just collapsed," said Jones, adding that he was still struggling to comprehend the enormity of the loss. "All I could do was watch from the sidelines… I kept thinking, 'This can't be happening. This can't be real.' But it was." The almost inconsolable Jones stated that "As of 9/11, we are all Dallas Cowboys" before succumbing to grief and being escorted from the building.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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