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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jerry Jones Probably Thinking About Signing Michael Vick

DALLAS—Dallas head coach Wade Phillips speculated Wednesday that if recent history is any indicator, Jerry Jones is "almost certainly" considering the option of signing former Falcons quarterback and current incarcerated felon Michael Vick to the Cowboys. "Mike Vick is a guy who not only holds the same values as Jerry, but epitomizes what the Cowboys mean to the NFL," Phillips said. "Jerry has set up our program so that any thug, gangster, or hooligan can immediately make a contribution, not just to this team, but to this community. And while Jerry doesn't put much emphasis on criminal records and statistics, I know that he's always been impressed with what Vick has achieved." Jones was unavailable for comment as he was conducting contract negotiations with an expert in discreetly overriding ankle monitors.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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