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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jerry Jones Unveils Plans For Extravagant 100,000-Seat Cowboys Owner’s Box

ARLINGTON, TX—Boasting that it will provide the most extraordinary game-day atmosphere ever conceived, Jerry Jones officially unveiled plans Friday for an extravagant new 100,000-seat Dallas Cowboys owner’s box. “Beginning in 2019, friends and family of the Cowboys ownership will be able to enjoy all the action from the comfort of our state-of-the-art, 3-million-square-foot owner’s box,” said Jones, adding that a 250-foot-wide LCD Jumbotron will hang in the center of the luxury suite, which is also expected to accommodate indoor fireworks shows and live musical performances during halftime. “With perfect sight lines and extra-wide aisles throughout each of its 60 sections, our owner’s box will offer a viewing experience unparalleled by that of any other stadium suite in the world. Plus, with 30 concession stands, five sports bars, and a full-service Johnny Rockets, guests of the ownership will never go hungry on Sunday. I am excited to deliver an owner’s box that truly reflects the pride and spirit of the Dallas Cowboys.” Jones went on to say that the current owner’s box will be preserved and placed on display inside the new suite’s Cowboys History Museum.

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