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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jerry Jones Unveils Plans For Extravagant 100,000-Seat Cowboys Owner’s Box

ARLINGTON, TX—Boasting that it will provide the most extraordinary game-day atmosphere ever conceived, Jerry Jones officially unveiled plans Friday for an extravagant new 100,000-seat Dallas Cowboys owner’s box. “Beginning in 2019, friends and family of the Cowboys ownership will be able to enjoy all the action from the comfort of our state-of-the-art, 3-million-square-foot owner’s box,” said Jones, adding that a 250-foot-wide LCD Jumbotron will hang in the center of the luxury suite, which is also expected to accommodate indoor fireworks shows and live musical performances during halftime. “With perfect sight lines and extra-wide aisles throughout each of its 60 sections, our owner’s box will offer a viewing experience unparalleled by that of any other stadium suite in the world. Plus, with 30 concession stands, five sports bars, and a full-service Johnny Rockets, guests of the ownership will never go hungry on Sunday. I am excited to deliver an owner’s box that truly reflects the pride and spirit of the Dallas Cowboys.” Jones went on to say that the current owner’s box will be preserved and placed on display inside the new suite’s Cowboys History Museum.

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