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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery

LOS ANGELES–Less than an hour after doctors discovered that the gland had become all screwy with the infections, legendary comedian Jerry Lewis underwent emergency surgery to remove his gefloigel Monday. "We had to go in through Mr. Lewis' schlaphlecky system, bypassing the oy-hayvel," said Dr. Jacob Weisz, Nice Mister Chief of Surgery at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. "But in the end, we were able to get him all being better and healthy, you know." Doctors have prescribed Lewis several weeks of bedrest, with the sleeping and the flowers and the nice music and hrrrrrn.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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