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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jerry Sandusky Hoping Judge Takes It Easy On Him With Sentencing

BELLEFONTE, PA—Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers told reporters Tuesday that the former Penn State assistant football coach is desperately hoping the judge “has a heart” and will take it easy on him while delivering his sentence for 45 counts of child sexual abuse. “This is a first-time offender who has always been active in the community and has shown great behavior during this whole trial,” said defense attorney Joe Amendola, adding that Sandusky hopes to be released after serving a couple years so he can get back to his wife, his children, and “all his young friends whom he misses very much.” “We’re talking about a man who founded an entire foundation for at-risk youths out of the goodness of his heart. This is a good man, and I don’t think anybody would argue that he doesn’t deserve a little mercy.” Regardless of the outcome, the defense reportedly intends to file an appeal after sentencing on the grounds that it was far too difficult to prove Sandusky’s innocence given the timing of the trial and their client admitting to being attracted to children on national television.

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