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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jerry Sandusky Hoping Judge Takes It Easy On Him With Sentencing

BELLEFONTE, PA—Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers told reporters Tuesday that the former Penn State assistant football coach is desperately hoping the judge “has a heart” and will take it easy on him while delivering his sentence for 45 counts of child sexual abuse. “This is a first-time offender who has always been active in the community and has shown great behavior during this whole trial,” said defense attorney Joe Amendola, adding that Sandusky hopes to be released after serving a couple years so he can get back to his wife, his children, and “all his young friends whom he misses very much.” “We’re talking about a man who founded an entire foundation for at-risk youths out of the goodness of his heart. This is a good man, and I don’t think anybody would argue that he doesn’t deserve a little mercy.” Regardless of the outcome, the defense reportedly intends to file an appeal after sentencing on the grounds that it was far too difficult to prove Sandusky’s innocence given the timing of the trial and their client admitting to being attracted to children on national television.

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