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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jerry Sandusky Horrified By Behavior Of Rutgers Basketball Coach

WAYNESBURG, PA—Calling the conduct “shocking and disgraceful,” former Penn State football coach and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky expressed his outrage Tuesday over the actions of now-fired Rutgers men’s basketball coach Mike Rice. “I have to say, that kind of behavior is totally unacceptable, especially from someone who is supposed to be teaching and nurturing young athletes, for God’s sake,” said Sandusky, who called the recently leaked video of Rice kicking, pushing, and screaming gay slurs at his players during practice “absolutely sickening.” “He had a responsibility to these boys, and what he did was not only completely inappropriate, but also, to be perfectly frank, downright disgusting. How a guy like that, with the mental problems he has, was ever allowed to be around these kids in the first place is totally beyond me. Unbelievable.” In addition to his harsh criticism of Rice, Sandusky also blasted Rutgers athletic director Tim Pernetti and university president Robert Barchi for not immediately firing the coach after the video was first brought to their attention last year.

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