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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview

NEW YORK—In a recent interview aired on The Today Show, serial child molester Jerry Sandusky came across as a likable and really quite charming individual, sources told reporters Tuesday. “Boy, I gotta say, I found myself liking him a lot in that interview,” local man Scott Russell said of the former Penn State football coach and incarcerated rapist who last year was convicted of engaging in forced sodomy and oral sex with at least 10 underage boys. “He flashed that big ol’ smile, and talked in this warm, soft-spoken voice, and you could tell he’s got this really infectious, fun-loving personality. He was like a big kid! I don’t know, I just liked the way he carried himself.” Sources went on to confirm that “the guy’s just got a nice vibe about him.”

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