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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jerry Sandusky Somehow Coaching Little League World Series Team

SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Shocking many parents, coaches, and spectators across the nation, former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky was inexplicably witnessed coaching the Little League World Series team from Fairfield, CT this past week. "I could have sworn he was in jail, but there's no doubt about it, that's Jerry Sandusky coaching my kid from the dugout," parent Henry Billings told reporters, not only questioning why the sexual deviant was coaching, but also how the former football coach could know enough about baseball to manage the team into the championship series. "I'm a little worried, sure, but he definitely seems to have a great rapport with the kids. Most everybody except for the Hopkins boy seems to be having fun." This latest report is not the first account of Jerry Sandusky coaching a team of minors, as only last month the parents of a 10-year-old AYSO soccer player in Virginia claimed to have witnessed Coach Sandusky tickling their son's team on the sidelines as they ate oranges at halftime.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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