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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jerry Sandusky Somehow Coaching Little League World Series Team

SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Shocking many parents, coaches, and spectators across the nation, former Penn State defensive coordinator and convicted serial child molester Jerry Sandusky was inexplicably witnessed coaching the Little League World Series team from Fairfield, CT this past week. "I could have sworn he was in jail, but there's no doubt about it, that's Jerry Sandusky coaching my kid from the dugout," parent Henry Billings told reporters, not only questioning why the sexual deviant was coaching, but also how the former football coach could know enough about baseball to manage the team into the championship series. "I'm a little worried, sure, but he definitely seems to have a great rapport with the kids. Most everybody except for the Hopkins boy seems to be having fun." This latest report is not the first account of Jerry Sandusky coaching a team of minors, as only last month the parents of a 10-year-old AYSO soccer player in Virginia claimed to have witnessed Coach Sandusky tickling their son's team on the sidelines as they ate oranges at halftime.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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