Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
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Jessica Simpson Completes Elaborate Plan To Destroy Cowboys' Season

DALLAS—Speaking to reporters she had invited into her impenetrable subterranean Texas lair on Monday, Jessica Simpson gloated over the victory she recently achieved after nearly two years of using her personal charms, her unique brand of cunning, and every resource at her disposal to meticulously plot the downfall of the Cowboys' 2007 season.

"Ever since I was a little girl growing up in football-obsessed Texas, it's been a dream of mine to completely bring the evil, arrogant Cowboys organization and its boorish and cocky fans to their knees. But the suave and sophisticated players on that team are nigh-unapproachable for a nice country girl like me," Simpson declared from her Throne of Thorns, situated in the surveillance room of her headquarters. "And then I saw Tony. Instantly I knew that he was the weak link, the keystone, the only one for me to exploit."

According to Simpson, her meticulously crafted plan hinged on capturing Romo's interest, artificially inflating his confidence, and allowing the Cowboys to gain success early in the season in order to create an atmosphere of swaggering arrogance among the team. Then, Simpson moved to Phase Beta, playfully distracting them with her ubiquitous, flirtatious presence games by waving, cheering, and attracting media attention. In addition, Simpson spent months analyzing quarterback efficiency, completion rates, and blocking stats, as well as dissecting the tendencies of defenses on second and third downs, and bending over to convince Romo to try out one of her audible calls.

"He's such a kind and honest man," Simpson added. "Such Midwestern earnestness, such gullibility. You couldn't ask for someone dopier to manipulate in order to overthrow this so-called 'America's team.'"

In addition to personally planning each phase of the diabolical plan, Simpson invested vast amounts of money into developing a highly volatile perfume formulated specifically to confuse and dazzle Romo. Created by skilled histological techno-artisans to magnify Simpson's natural pheromones, the quasi-hypnotic scent consisted of citrus blossoms, rose petals, and a complex combination of beetle secretions and the musk glands of Key deer. Simpson estimated the scent reduced Romo's I.Q. by as much as 40 points.

"A few dabs placed on the nape of my neck and Tony's concentration melted when I leaned towards him," the multi-platinum recording artist said. "As a side effect, the soporific effects of the fragrance often forced him to hang on to the ball too long or throw into coverage instead of tossing the ball out of bounds."

Simpson's long-sought opportunity to ruin the Cowboys attempt to return to the Super Bowl arose on Oct. 26, 2006 when, watching the monitors in the control center of her underground compound, she observed unwitting backup quarterback Tony Romo replace the injured Drew Bledsoe. Although Simpson said her ambitious scheme was merely in its embryonic stage at that point, she stated that when she saw Romo's first pass attempt was intercepted, his fate as the pop starlet's hapless pawn was sealed.

Simpson immediately assembled a psychological profile of Romo to discover his desires, fears, and favorite color in order to expose him on the gridiron. Enlisting the services of paparazzi, Simpson offered to tip off the photographers in exchange for them sending reporter colleagues to Romo's hometown of Burlington, WI in order to gather critical information from his friends and neighbors.

"No one could stand in my way," Simpson said. "His biggest fans were tricked into thinking the reporters wanted to write an article about what it was like for Tony to grow up in Burlington. Little did they know that I was obtaining knowledge key to eroding his completion rate."

"The hardest thing was restraining myself since I could have made him melt down a few weeks into the season," Simpson added, claiming that it required a great deal of discipline to stop herself from giving Romo too much pumpkin pie when he spent Thanksgiving with her family. "But I knew if I really wanted to hurt the team and its stupid, slavish fans, I would have to let them get as close as possible and then snatch it away. So I let them make the playoffs."

Although the final phase of Simpson's complex scheme occurred at her remote fortress in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico during the Cowboys' playoff bye week, the full impact of the plan would not be felt until Simpson called Romo at that week's practice every five minutes to apologize for jinxing him. Simpson, who asked the team's secretary to announce her phone calls over the PA system at the Cowboys facilities, credited the move for baffling the team into dropped passes and penalties at critical moments in the division playoff game.

Simpson added that if she has some free time while recording her new country album, she would love the chance to ruin the Pro Bowl for the 12 Cowboys selected.


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