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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs

LOS ANGELES—Silencing gossip in the media about her weight, singer and actress Jessica Simpson wowed crowds this weekend when she stepped out in Beverly Hills with a trim new figure, flaunting her slender frame for the first time since chopping off all her limbs in October. “Gurl srsly looks ah-mazing!” Hollywood blogger Perez Hilton wrote under photographs of the starlet being wheeled into a shoe store, reportedly a whole 80 pounds lighter than she was last month. “Paps snapped our girl de-stressing with some retail therapy, and mama is looking fabulous with her slimmed-down frame! We are so proud of you, Jess!” When reached for comment, Simpson said the process of taking off the weight was “easy, fun, and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.”

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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