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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs

LOS ANGELES—Silencing gossip in the media about her weight, singer and actress Jessica Simpson wowed crowds this weekend when she stepped out in Beverly Hills with a trim new figure, flaunting her slender frame for the first time since chopping off all her limbs in October. “Gurl srsly looks ah-mazing!” Hollywood blogger Perez Hilton wrote under photographs of the starlet being wheeled into a shoe store, reportedly a whole 80 pounds lighter than she was last month. “Paps snapped our girl de-stressing with some retail therapy, and mama is looking fabulous with her slimmed-down frame! We are so proud of you, Jess!” When reached for comment, Simpson said the process of taking off the weight was “easy, fun, and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.”

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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