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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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