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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter

DENVER—Jesus Christ, noted Son of God and football analyst proclaimed Monday that second-year Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow lacks the pocket presence, arm strength, and passing accuracy necessary to be a starter in the NFL. “Tim’s place is at the right hand of the other backups on the bench, and his earthly works show that he deserves to dwell there all the days of his life,” said Lord and Savior of all mankind, adding, ““It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for Tim Tebow to complete a pass against the Cover-2”. “For Tebow must have faith in coach Fox’s plan, and pay his dues by wearing the headset, and by calling in plays from the clipboard while watching from the sidelines.” Christ also asked Tebow to stop praying to Him and asking to be made the number one quarterback in the depth chart, claiming “that’s never going to fucking happen.”

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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