Jesus Free After Killing Hooker

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Vol 29 Issue 06

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Jesus Free After Killing Hooker

‘I am above the law,’ He says

ST. LOUIS, MO—Jesus the Christ, Son of Yahweh, is free on bond today after being arrested for the murder of Wanda Jimenez, 38, an East Side prostitute. Jesus confessed to the killing at His arraignment yesterday.

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” Jesus said to a hushed crowd of onlookers outside the municipal courthouse after His arraignment. “Hey, the bitch had it coming.”

The judge sympathized, ruling that he had grown to love Jesus through a 36-year-long “personal relationship” with the Christ cultivated through weekly church services.

“I consider Jesus to be my personal savior,” Judge Havish Greegham said. “I therefore cannot send Him to jail.”

According to police reports, at 1:16 a.m. Friday, Jesus had sex with Jimenez in an alley behind the Paradise Row adult movie theater on King Street. The victim was then beaten brutally about the face, stabbed 17 times in the chest and abdomen with a screwdriver, then strangled.

Said Police Detective Harold Trutmand: “The evidence indicates that Jesus assaulted the victim over a dispute, presumably the result of His refusal to pay for sex.”

Though he confessed to the murder of an East Side prostitute, Jesus the Christ (inset), is free on bond today. Judge Havish Greegham released the Christ, calling him his personal savior.

Christ, 32, is a traveling iconoclastic preacher and healer. He has a long criminal record in his native Middle East, including charges of incitement and heresy filed by the Roman government. He had previously been banned from a local temple by Pharisees for vandalism and public disturbance. He is also known to associate with tax collectors and adulterers.

Resurrected three days after His death, Jesus was revealed to be the long-awaited Messiah, or “Christ,” foretold in the Old Testament. According to official records, this was a holy event that created a new religion and transformed the history of the Western world. “Christians” today number over one billion.

Christians everywhere have come forward in support of Jesus. “He’s my personal savior and I love Him,” a smiling Cindy Hevertsen, 15, said at a rally outside the First Missouri Con-gregational Church. “And I’m sure God in His love will forgive Him for killing the hooker, or whatever He did.”

Added Hevertsen: “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, Jude, Revelation.”

The difficult role of prosecuting the Son of God has been assigned to County Prosecutor Sam Edlerbet. Outside his downtown office, a mob of 60,000 Christian protesters has backed up traffic for an eight-mile radius. Brandishing placards that read, “He died for you too, Christ Jailer,” “Edlerbet, spawn of Satan,” and “Iscariot, Pilate, Edlerbet—Burn! Burn! Burn!” the protesters create a constant roar of vitriol not unlike a raging hailstorm that permeates the walls and cubicles of every office building in the city.

Said Edlerbet: “I was hired by the County Board Chairman to prosecute illegal activity committed in the County of Brefford, and must put forth my best effort in the performance of that duty.”

Though Edlerbet did not admit to being frightened, his co-workers claim he has been “tense” since the legion of protesters firebombed his car, obliterated his suburban St. Louis home, and promised to “tear the flesh from his body and feed it to Lucifer’s jackals.”

Based on Biblical precedent, St. Louis District Attorney Frank Menchett is considering throwing out the charges on the basis of Jesus’s holy forgiveness from God.

Said Menchett: “A power superseding that of the State of Missouri is that of the loving grace of a heavenly deity, who may have an authority to forgive, overruling that of the governor of Missouri.”

Jesus’s summary judgment is set for March 1.

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