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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Jesus-Loving Co-Worker Believes She's Not Alone At Lunch Table

POCATELLO, ID—Sitting by herself at a table in the Pocatello Tool Works lunchroom, devout Christian Brenda Smolensk announced Monday that she is "convinced beyond any doubt" that she is not alone. "Oh, there may not be anybody sitting to my right, my left or anywhere else at this table," Smolensk said, "but He is with me." Smolensk's co-workers said her overwhelming love of Christ is the reason for her lack of companionship. "We used to sit with her," co-worker Don Inkster said, "but she wouldn't shut up about Jesus and the Bible and stuff. Now we wait for her to sit down before deciding where to eat." Smolensk is also convinced she did not spend last Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter and Thanksgiving alone.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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