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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Jesus 'Really Dreading' This Next Birthday

JERUSALEM—Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday next year, saying that He is "really dreading turning the big two-oh-oh-oh."

Christ anxiously eyes his fast-approaching birthday.

"This is the Big One," said Christ, who will be 1,999 Dec. 25. "I can't believe I'm actually turning 2,000 soon. I am seriously getting up there."

Though His associates have been keeping Him in good company as the milestone draws near, Christ said He is finding it increasingly difficult to keep His spirits up.

"They keep telling me I don't look a day over 33, but you know how they are—especially Peter," Christ said meekly. "He'll be calling me an old fogy three times before the cock crows tomorrow morning. I just know it."

A photo of Jesus Christ celebrating his 1,998th birthday at a small, informal party.

Even members of Christ's family have been giving Him a hard time about His age.

"Dad's been ribbing Me pretty good," said Christ, sipping Holy Water from an "Old Fart" mug recently given to Him by St. Michael. "He gives Me all kinds of grief, telling Me stuff like, 'At the rate you're going, people aren't going to know if you're the son of God or the brother.'"

"Two-thousand," Christ said. "I swear, for the next few centuries, when people ask me how old I am, I'm going to tell them 1,999."

Though Christ is aware that His birthday is one of Earth's biggest holidays, He said it hasn't been important to Him lately.

"I remember when I turned 1,000, I was really excited," said Christ. "A bunch of the apostles threw a big surprise party for me at the Sea of Galilee, and it was such a great time—I don't even want to tell you how much water we turned into wine that night. But once I turned 1,000, each birthday sort of became less and less of a big deal. It's like, once you're a thousandsomething, you don't even get so excited about birthdays anymore. The past few hundred birthdays, I've generally celebrated by just going out to dinner with a good friend or something mellow like that."

"I am so over the hill," He said. "God, in another 501 years, I'm going to be 2,500. I can't believe it."

Despite Christ's pleading with friends not to "make a whole big production" out of His birthday, some suspect He is secretly hoping for a surprise party.

"Every time I bring up the subject, He says, 'Don't do anything special for Me, don't get me any presents, all I want is peace on Earth, I'm not some kid in his 840s anymore'—blah, blah, blah," St. Matthew said. "That's vintage Jesus for you. Well, I have news for Him: Nobody is going to 'just forget.'"

Still, Christ insisted that He hopes no big celebrations are in the works.

"It's bad enough getting old, but having your birthday on Christmas?" said Christ, shaking His head. "And Dad had better not make one of those delicious carrot cakes with the sour-cream frosting. I have to go to My Second Coming and judge the living and the dead right afterwards, and I want to be able to fit into My old raiment."

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