Jesus 'Really Dreading' This Next Birthday

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Vol 35 Issue 44

Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight

SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to his dating weight of 190 pounds, he announced Monday. "Oh, man, I have got to lose this weight if I'm gonna be back out there dating again," said Geisinger, who for years has carried 75 pounds of excess marital flab on his 5'11" frame. "No good-looking single woman is gonna want to go out with a guy who looks like this." Geisinger said he is eager to remarry so he can gain back the weight he is about to lose.

Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password

PUYALLUP, WA—Bob Aldridge, who last week became an America Online member, is dying to tell someone his cool password, the 31-year-old associate marketing manager revealed Tuesday. "Oh, man, it is seriously the most awesome password ever," Aldridge said. "Unfortunately, I can't tell anyone, because the whole point is to keep it a secret. But believe me, if you heard this password, you would be so unbelievably jealous." Though Aldridge has given no clues as to what the password might be, several of his friends said they strongly suspect it has something to do with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons or They Might Be Giants.

Anarchists Rise Up, Move To Different Cafeteria Table

BATAVIA, NY—After years of working toward an ultimate goal of smashing the dominant social and political hierarchy, the Anarchy League of Batavia South High School rose up and took action Monday, moving to another cafeteria table when this bunch of jerks from the popular kids' table wouldn't stop making faces and shooting spitballs at them. "At long last, the time has come for us to gather our books and sit over at that other table by the window where, hopefully, those guys will stop bugging us," said sophomore anarchist Lindsay Franklin, 15. "I hate those stupid idiots. They think they're so cool."

Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of Tompkinsville. "When I first laid eyes on the place, I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Monroe County sheriff Bill McCallum, the first to spot the long-sought mill. "There had to be enough scrawny, toothless men in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirts and fat, foul-mouthed women in sweatsuits for a thousand Jerry Springer episodes. There was a whole section of the mill that, from the looks of things, pumped out nothing but rattails."

Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?
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Jesus 'Really Dreading' This Next Birthday

JERUSALEM—Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday next year, saying that He is "really dreading turning the big two-oh-oh-oh."

Christ anxiously eyes his fast-approaching birthday.

"This is the Big One," said Christ, who will be 1,999 Dec. 25. "I can't believe I'm actually turning 2,000 soon. I am seriously getting up there."

Though His associates have been keeping Him in good company as the milestone draws near, Christ said He is finding it increasingly difficult to keep His spirits up.

"They keep telling me I don't look a day over 33, but you know how they are—especially Peter," Christ said meekly. "He'll be calling me an old fogy three times before the cock crows tomorrow morning. I just know it."

A photo of Jesus Christ celebrating his 1,998th birthday at a small, informal party.

Even members of Christ's family have been giving Him a hard time about His age.

"Dad's been ribbing Me pretty good," said Christ, sipping Holy Water from an "Old Fart" mug recently given to Him by St. Michael. "He gives Me all kinds of grief, telling Me stuff like, 'At the rate you're going, people aren't going to know if you're the son of God or the brother.'"

"Two-thousand," Christ said. "I swear, for the next few centuries, when people ask me how old I am, I'm going to tell them 1,999."

Though Christ is aware that His birthday is one of Earth's biggest holidays, He said it hasn't been important to Him lately.

"I remember when I turned 1,000, I was really excited," said Christ. "A bunch of the apostles threw a big surprise party for me at the Sea of Galilee, and it was such a great time—I don't even want to tell you how much water we turned into wine that night. But once I turned 1,000, each birthday sort of became less and less of a big deal. It's like, once you're a thousandsomething, you don't even get so excited about birthdays anymore. The past few hundred birthdays, I've generally celebrated by just going out to dinner with a good friend or something mellow like that."

"I am so over the hill," He said. "God, in another 501 years, I'm going to be 2,500. I can't believe it."

Despite Christ's pleading with friends not to "make a whole big production" out of His birthday, some suspect He is secretly hoping for a surprise party.

"Every time I bring up the subject, He says, 'Don't do anything special for Me, don't get me any presents, all I want is peace on Earth, I'm not some kid in his 840s anymore'—blah, blah, blah," St. Matthew said. "That's vintage Jesus for you. Well, I have news for Him: Nobody is going to 'just forget.'"

Still, Christ insisted that He hopes no big celebrations are in the works.

"It's bad enough getting old, but having your birthday on Christmas?" said Christ, shaking His head. "And Dad had better not make one of those delicious carrot cakes with the sour-cream frosting. I have to go to My Second Coming and judge the living and the dead right afterwards, and I want to be able to fit into My old raiment."

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