JERUSALEM—Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday next year, saying that He is "really dreading turning the big two-oh-oh-oh."
"This is the Big One," said Christ, who will be 1,999 Dec. 25. "I can't believe I'm actually turning 2,000 soon. I am seriously getting up there."
Though His associates have been keeping Him in good company as the milestone draws near, Christ said He is finding it increasingly difficult to keep His spirits up.
"They keep telling me I don't look a day over 33, but you know how they are—especially Peter," Christ said meekly. "He'll be calling me an old fogy three times before the cock crows tomorrow morning. I just know it."
Even members of Christ's family have been giving Him a hard time about His age.
"Dad's been ribbing Me pretty good," said Christ, sipping Holy Water from an "Old Fart" mug recently given to Him by St. Michael. "He gives Me all kinds of grief, telling Me stuff like, 'At the rate you're going, people aren't going to know if you're the son of God or the brother.'"
"Two-thousand," Christ said. "I swear, for the next few centuries, when people ask me how old I am, I'm going to tell them 1,999."
Though Christ is aware that His birthday is one of Earth's biggest holidays, He said it hasn't been important to Him lately.
"I remember when I turned 1,000, I was really excited," said Christ. "A bunch of the apostles threw a big surprise party for me at the Sea of Galilee, and it was such a great time—I don't even want to tell you how much water we turned into wine that night. But once I turned 1,000, each birthday sort of became less and less of a big deal. It's like, once you're a thousandsomething, you don't even get so excited about birthdays anymore. The past few hundred birthdays, I've generally celebrated by just going out to dinner with a good friend or something mellow like that."
"I am so over the hill," He said. "God, in another 501 years, I'm going to be 2,500. I can't believe it."
Despite Christ's pleading with friends not to "make a whole big production" out of His birthday, some suspect He is secretly hoping for a surprise party.
"Every time I bring up the subject, He says, 'Don't do anything special for Me, don't get me any presents, all I want is peace on Earth, I'm not some kid in his 840s anymore'—blah, blah, blah," St. Matthew said. "That's vintage Jesus for you. Well, I have news for Him: Nobody is going to 'just forget.'"
Still, Christ insisted that He hopes no big celebrations are in the works.
"It's bad enough getting old, but having your birthday on Christmas?" said Christ, shaking His head. "And Dad had better not make one of those delicious carrot cakes with the sour-cream frosting. I have to go to My Second Coming and judge the living and the dead right afterwards, and I want to be able to fit into My old raiment."