adBlockCheck

Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News

Entertainment

'Jesus, What Is It Now?' Says Man Putting Down Swamp Thing Comic To Answer Phone Call From Wife

Sources say the man told his loving wife "Mmm-hmm" four separate times while continuing to read.
Sources say the man told his loving wife "Mmm-hmm" four separate times while continuing to read.

MILWAUKEE—Local man Todd Bogen, 32, reportedly expressed mild annoyance Saturday, muttering, "Jesus, what it is it now?" in response to being interrupted by an incoming phone call from his wife while trying to read Swamp Thing Vol. 3: The Curse.

"For Christ's sake," said Bogen, holding his finger in place in issue 39, where Swamp Thing is decapitated by a humanoid fish monster, before answering the call from the woman he married in 2009. "I do not have time to deal with this crap."

"Ugh, it's always something," added Bogen, who released a long exasperated sigh and shook his head, alternately staring at the cell phone clutched in his hand and the cover of the trade paperback containing issues 35 through 42 of Alan Moore's Swamp Thing run.

At approximately 2:30 p.m., sources confirmed, Bogen curtly answered the call from his wife, Stacey, with a terse "What's up?" Speaking brusquely, he then attempted to get through the conversation as quickly as possible in order to continue reading about how Swamp Thing destroyed a sunken town populated by underwater vampires.

Although several minutes earlier Bogen had been concentrating on a five-panel sequence in which a vampire captures and noisily consumes a rat, the 32-year-old sharply informed the woman he loves and is committed to spending his life with that he was "a little busy."

"What do you need?' Bogen snapped at his wife, eager to revisit artists Stephen Bissette and John Totleben's depiction of Swamp Thing's consciousness spreading into and controlling all of the nearby botanical life. "Make it quick, though. I need to get going."

Throughout the brief phone call, Bogen repeatedly said "uh-huh" as he scanned the story that showed Swamp Thing ripping gigantic, finger-like roots from the earth and causing the lake to empty out and wash away the vampires in a rush of water.

"Yes, I am listening," added Bogen, focusing entirely on Alan Moore's prose, which switched the point of view to the pained thoughts of the vampires as the surging water peeled the rotted flesh from their skeletons. "Of course I want to hear about it."

"Tell me when you get home," Bogen added.

After being asked if he wanted anything from the grocery store, Bogen reportedly skipped ahead in the book to a splash page featuring Swamp Thing kissing Abby Cable and bluntly told his wife, "I don't care, just get whatever," before mentioning that she should pick up some more chips.

According to reports, Bogen ended the call by saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay…I'll talk to you later," closely examining the image of a skeleton entangled in telephone lines, and grunting an affirmation of his love. He then put down the phone and resumed calmly reading the collection of comics he has read at least five times previously.

Sources confirmed that later that night Bogen received another call from his wife and pretended he had been sleeping when he had really been watching Firefly on Netflix.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close