adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jet Age Fixer-Upper

This charming, vacant airport terminal harkens back to a simpler, more futuristic time. Believed to have been designed by some high-minded architect, this mid-century dazzler has experienced water damage and hasn’t been able to rotate since 1977. But with a little TLC, it’ll be back to zoo-zoo-zooming in no time! Reference #9D821K

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close