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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jets Attempt To Trade Mannequin Dressed As Favre For Jay Cutler

DENVER—The Broncos' front office continues to rebuff trade overtures from the New York Jets, who persist in their attempts to trade a clothing-store mannequin draped with a Brett Favre No. 4 Jets jersey, Jets sweatpants, and a well-worn Southern Miss Golden Eagles ball cap for Jay Cutler. "Look, we can tell that's not really Favre, okay?" Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels told Jets executives during a video conferencing call Wednesday. "It's made of plastic, it keeps slipping down in the chair, and that's obviously you talking out of the corner of your mouth. Jay's not on the table, all right? I gotta go." The Jets refuse to drop their offer and have sweetened it with the addition of a dog in a Jerricho Cotchery jersey.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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