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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Longing for some good news, Jets fans reportedly joined quarterback Mark Sanchez Wednesday in expressing hope that the shoulder injury Sanchez sustained during the preseason would sideline the fifth-year veteran for the remainder of the season. “Oh man, I sure hope he’s done for the year, maybe for good,” said 34-year-old Jets fan Lou Alameda, echoing Sanchez’s stated wish for a season- or career-ending diagnosis. “Well, he’s still seeking second opinions on it, so he probably won’t take a snap against the Pats this week. Thank God. If this could somehow knock him out of commission for the long haul, though—that would honestly be perfect.” At press time, renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews had released a statement saying he also hoped Sanchez would never play football again.

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