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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat

NEW YORK—Contradicting statements made last year, New York Jets general manager John Idzik announced Monday that the team is still interested in keeping Tim Tebow on the roster as a much-needed excuse for next season’s struggles. “In terms of being a scapegoat, we’ve never denied Tim’s effectiveness,” said Idzik, even suggesting that both Tebow and Mark Sanchez could return to split time as a major media distraction. “We relied heavily on Tebow every game last year, and we think he could be our fall guy again. But don’t get me wrong, we’re considering all our options when it comes to finding players we can pin all our problems on. As you saw, we just worked out David Garrard last week, who has years of scapegoat experience.” Idzik told reporters that the Jets will also consider platooning several overpriced free agents and high draft picks as scapegoat.

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