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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat

NEW YORK—Contradicting statements made last year, New York Jets general manager John Idzik announced Monday that the team is still interested in keeping Tim Tebow on the roster as a much-needed excuse for next season’s struggles. “In terms of being a scapegoat, we’ve never denied Tim’s effectiveness,” said Idzik, even suggesting that both Tebow and Mark Sanchez could return to split time as a major media distraction. “We relied heavily on Tebow every game last year, and we think he could be our fall guy again. But don’t get me wrong, we’re considering all our options when it comes to finding players we can pin all our problems on. As you saw, we just worked out David Garrard last week, who has years of scapegoat experience.” Idzik told reporters that the Jets will also consider platooning several overpriced free agents and high draft picks as scapegoat.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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