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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat

NEW YORK—Contradicting statements made last year, New York Jets general manager John Idzik announced Monday that the team is still interested in keeping Tim Tebow on the roster as a much-needed excuse for next season’s struggles. “In terms of being a scapegoat, we’ve never denied Tim’s effectiveness,” said Idzik, even suggesting that both Tebow and Mark Sanchez could return to split time as a major media distraction. “We relied heavily on Tebow every game last year, and we think he could be our fall guy again. But don’t get me wrong, we’re considering all our options when it comes to finding players we can pin all our problems on. As you saw, we just worked out David Garrard last week, who has years of scapegoat experience.” Idzik told reporters that the Jets will also consider platooning several overpriced free agents and high draft picks as scapegoat.

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