Jewish Anti-Deprecation League Protests New Woody Allen Movie

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Vol 35 Issue 41

Turkish Man Kiss You

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.

Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru is a very mischievous little penguin," Clinton said. "I love it when he rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. Also, he lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy with his friends Hana Maru the seal and Pandaba the panda bear. Badtz-Maru likes to take walks in the park with his pet alligator Pochi. He is so funny!" In 1997, Clinton had stated that Keroppi the frog is his favorite Sanrio character.

MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa over at Midstate Office Supply, know what I'm sayin'? Now, I know what all y'all be thinkin': Damn, that H-Dog, he a straight-up big-willie highrolla, an' if there ever wuz a person that don't need to give no props to nobody, he it. No diggity, bruthahs an' sistahs.

Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef" now, it was reported Monday.

Dropping A Hint

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking and, although I certainly would hate to impose on any-one, it would sure be nice if I could receive the gift of a nice, new woolen shawl for Christ-mas.

Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Jewish Anti-Deprecation League Protests New Woody Allen Movie

NEW YORK–The Jewish Anti-Deprecation League picketed the New York premiere of Woody Allen's latest film, Waltzing With Schopenhauer, Monday, arguing that it "perpetuates misleading stereotypes of Jewish self-deprecation that do not reflect the modern Jewish-American experience."

Above: Protected by police, Woody Allen arrives at the premiere of his new film.

The JADL is decrying Allen's portrayal of the film's lead character, Reuben Hirschhorn, a Columbia University creative-writing professor who, despite achieving considerable personal and career success, is plagued by severe self-doubt, hypochondria, perceived sexual inadequacies, an inability to commit to long-term relationships, existential angst, an obsessive fear of death, and disturbing dreams involving his overbearing mother making chicken soup for Nazi propaganda minister Josef Goebbels.

"Mr. Allen has made a career out of presenting his own foibles and insecurities as characteristic of all Jews," JADL executive director Howard Klosterman said. "Jews are tired of seeing themselves routinely represented as neurotics who can't enjoy their lives, no matter how successful, and Mr. Allen is one of the primary perpetrators of this offensive cliche."

Continued Klosterman: "Contrary to what Mr. Allen would have you believe, not all Jews are twice-divorced, self-loathing urban types suffering from deep existential angst. I, for one, have not spent my life tormented by a crippling lack of self-esteem. But thanks in no small part to the images presented in the films of Mr. Allen, non-Jews continue to perceive us as manic-depressive nebbishes who wallow in our own despair and misery."

Though Klosterman acknowledged that he had not yet seen Waltzing With Schopenhauer, he said that based on what he knows of the film, "it looks like Allen is up to his old tricks."

"In the trailer, Allen is berated by his two ex-wives, moderates an imaginary debate in his bathroom between Bix Beiderbecke and Sidney Bechet, and whines about how his favorite deli hasn't been the same since it was purchased by a Japanese investment group," Klosterman said. "If that doesn't tell you something, nothing will."

In the film, Allen's lead character is forced into retirement when Columbia replaces him with a younger, non-tenured professor. Attempting to make the best of the situation by indulging in his favorite pastimes, reading Kafka and attending Bergman film festivals, Hirschhorn soon grows bored and doubtful, eventually questioning his long-held perceptions of life. Vowing to "strip away all those silly old beliefs and start from scratch," he takes a job as a clerk at a Coney Island amusement park. While there, he is tormented by vivid flashbacks and recollections of his childhood and previous marriages.

The supporting cast includes Edward Norton, Jeff Goldblum, Minnie Driver, Kathy Bates, Gretchen Mol, Alan Alda, Louise Lasser, Carol Kane, John Glover, Bob Balaban, Bill Paxton, Laura San Giacomo, Lisa Kudrow, Stanley Tucci, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Janeane Garofalo, Miriam Margolyes, Judy Davis, John Cusack, Joan Cusack, Anjelica Huston, Peter Fonda, Forest Whitaker, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Anne Heche, Jason Alexander, George Segal, Dianne Wiest and Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Appearing on PBS' Charlie Rose Monday, longtime Allen producer Jean Doumanian defended the film.

"The fact that the JADL hasn't even seen Waltzing With Schopenhauer makes its condemnation all the more absurd, because the movie is actually a string of charming vignettes about life in New York," Doumanian said. "For example, there's an absolutely delicious scene in Washington Square in which Leon Trotsky and Frida Kahlo dance to Bunny Berrigan's 'King Porter Stomp.'"

Nevertheless, according to an inside source speaking on condition of anonymity, Waltzing's distributor, Sony Pictures Classics, has threatened to withhold the film from release unless Allen removes or alters several scenes that could be construed as offensive to Jews.

"Sony is pressuring Allen to make significant script changes, including a totally new ending, in which an old high-school friend runs into Reuben and convinces him to move to his Jewish, upper middle-class Denver suburb. Freed from the angst that dominates his Manhattan life, Reuben opens a bookstore/coffee shop, which becomes very popular. Energized by his newfound success, he marries his attractive blonde assistant and overcomes his destructive obsessions with existentialism, art and early jazz, abandoning such longtime heroes as Freud and Marx for more positive, contemporary Jewish role models like Steven Spielberg and Calvin Klein."

Allen issued a brief statement about the controversy.

"Jesus," Allen said. "This is ridiculous. I mean, did they tell Kierkegaard, 'Hey, lay off on that 'existence precedes essence' stuff–it won't play in the suburbs and besides, there's no merchandising hook'? I mean, Calvin Klein? Why not Aaron Spelling? Or the Golem? Or, better yet, Albert Speer? Jesus."

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