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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust... Texas-Style!

LUBBOCK, TX—The West Texas chapter of B'nai B'rith is holding a month-long series of events in remembrance of the Holocaust, commemorating the 20th century's darkest hour the way they do everything... Texas-style!

Texas Jews rustle up some memorial grub.

"If we do not remember the past, we are doomed to repeat it," said San Antonio Rabbi Leonard "Too Tall" Sussman at Sunday's opening ceremony, laying a wreath before the Lone Star Of David in front of B'nai B'rith headquarters in Lubbock. "The world was silent, and in silence lies complicity. Never again, y'hear?"

Added Sussman, "Yee-haw!" He then lit the ceremonial Eternal Flame, over which a spit will be installed for Wednesday's kosher steer cookout.

Among the highlights of Holocaust Hoedown '97: a Main Street parade featuring red, white and blue Texas blossoms spelling out "Don't Mess With The Jews"; a special appearance by six-time Zionist calf-roping champion Barry Lowenstein; and daily double-bill showings of Schindler's List and John Wayne's True Grit.

"Have we learned the lessons of the Holocaust?" asked Deborah Teitelbaum, director of Dallas' Museum of the Holocaust. "If the answer is yes, then how does one explain events in such places as Cambodia and Bosnia? What do we tell the orphaned child in Rwanda? And how 'bout them Cowboys!"

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