adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust... Texas-Style!

LUBBOCK, TX—The West Texas chapter of B'nai B'rith is holding a month-long series of events in remembrance of the Holocaust, commemorating the 20th century's darkest hour the way they do everything... Texas-style!

Texas Jews rustle up some memorial grub.

"If we do not remember the past, we are doomed to repeat it," said San Antonio Rabbi Leonard "Too Tall" Sussman at Sunday's opening ceremony, laying a wreath before the Lone Star Of David in front of B'nai B'rith headquarters in Lubbock. "The world was silent, and in silence lies complicity. Never again, y'hear?"

Added Sussman, "Yee-haw!" He then lit the ceremonial Eternal Flame, over which a spit will be installed for Wednesday's kosher steer cookout.

Among the highlights of Holocaust Hoedown '97: a Main Street parade featuring red, white and blue Texas blossoms spelling out "Don't Mess With The Jews"; a special appearance by six-time Zionist calf-roping champion Barry Lowenstein; and daily double-bill showings of Schindler's List and John Wayne's True Grit.

"Have we learned the lessons of the Holocaust?" asked Deborah Teitelbaum, director of Dallas' Museum of the Holocaust. "If the answer is yes, then how does one explain events in such places as Cambodia and Bosnia? What do we tell the orphaned child in Rwanda? And how 'bout them Cowboys!"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close