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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust... Texas-Style!

LUBBOCK, TX—The West Texas chapter of B'nai B'rith is holding a month-long series of events in remembrance of the Holocaust, commemorating the 20th century's darkest hour the way they do everything... Texas-style!

Texas Jews rustle up some memorial grub.

"If we do not remember the past, we are doomed to repeat it," said San Antonio Rabbi Leonard "Too Tall" Sussman at Sunday's opening ceremony, laying a wreath before the Lone Star Of David in front of B'nai B'rith headquarters in Lubbock. "The world was silent, and in silence lies complicity. Never again, y'hear?"

Added Sussman, "Yee-haw!" He then lit the ceremonial Eternal Flame, over which a spit will be installed for Wednesday's kosher steer cookout.

Among the highlights of Holocaust Hoedown '97: a Main Street parade featuring red, white and blue Texas blossoms spelling out "Don't Mess With The Jews"; a special appearance by six-time Zionist calf-roping champion Barry Lowenstein; and daily double-bill showings of Schindler's List and John Wayne's True Grit.

"Have we learned the lessons of the Holocaust?" asked Deborah Teitelbaum, director of Dallas' Museum of the Holocaust. "If the answer is yes, then how does one explain events in such places as Cambodia and Bosnia? What do we tell the orphaned child in Rwanda? And how 'bout them Cowboys!"

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