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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Jews' Covenant Up For Renewal With God

Canaan—The sacred covenant made between Abraham and the Hebrew god Yahweh expired Monday, setting off a fierce round of re-negotiations between Jewish representatives and God's legal counsel. Area Jews are hoping for a contract similar to the one made 6,000 years ago with the Lord—a contract that not only made them God’s chosen people, but also included significant land incentives, most notably the Promised Land known today as Israel. "If God thinks we are just going to roll over and re-sign, that's one deity that's got another thing coming," said Hollywood superagent Mike Ovitz, who has been called in by the Jews to negotiate. "I want a package deal, with domestic and international rights. And this whole Arab thing, forget about it." God's legal team declined comment.

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