Jews' Covenant Up For Renewal With God

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 18

Hard Times Hit Springsteenville

SPRINGSTEENVILLE, U.S.A.—Across America, cities are facing shrinking job bases and plant closings. But nowhere has the recent industrial slowdown hit harder than Springsteenville.

Mommy, Please Kill Me

Mommy, please kill me.I don’t want to be born. I want to die. I dream sweet little baby dreams of dying, and how wonderful it would be.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Spring

Jews' Covenant Up For Renewal With God

Canaan—The sacred covenant made between Abraham and the Hebrew god Yahweh expired Monday, setting off a fierce round of re-negotiations between Jewish representatives and God's legal counsel. Area Jews are hoping for a contract similar to the one made 6,000 years ago with the Lord—a contract that not only made them God’s chosen people, but also included significant land incentives, most notably the Promised Land known today as Israel. "If God thinks we are just going to roll over and re-sign, that's one deity that's got another thing coming," said Hollywood superagent Mike Ovitz, who has been called in by the Jews to negotiate. "I want a package deal, with domestic and international rights. And this whole Arab thing, forget about it." God's legal team declined comment.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More