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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
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Jews Ordered Back to Egypt for Pyramid Duty

CAIRO—Citing thousands of years of grueling wear and tear on its famed pyramids, the Egyptian government recalled the Jewish people yesterday. The Jews, though currently spread throughout the world in a global Diaspora, are in the process of returning to Egypt to repair damages the Pyramids have suffered over the last 4,000 years.

With such famous landmarks as the Sphinx and the Great Pyramids in horrible disrepair, Jews from around the world packed up their belongings and headed back to Egypt, where they will toil for centuries for the Pharaoh.

“They did a superb job the first time around, and we expect the same level of high-quality craftsmanship now,” said Egyptian Minister of Tourism Fekesh Sabah, a top assistant to the Pharaoh. “They are a highly skilled people.”

The Jews were urged to return by a forceful letter sent to every Jewish household in the world. The letter strongly suggested they return, if they knew what was good for them.

“The language of the letter seemed very sincere and forthright,” Detroit marketing analyst Roger Fine said. “It just came off like we really should go back.”

Fine is one of millions of Jews, or “Hebrewites,” who hastily quit his job, sold all his worldly possessions, and boarded one of the thousands of charter jets heading to Cairo International Airport.

Jews are massing in the Egyptian capital, where they are being sent out in labor teams of 600 to replace stones, repair crumbling walls and reinstall statuary to the sun god Ra. They will do this not only for the rest of their lives, but also for the lives of their children and their children’s children.

“This is very hard work,” said Jeffrey Sonnenfeld, an accountant from Cherry Hill, NJ. “I do not enjoy this at all.”

Added Rachel Cohen of Los Angeles: “My job as a record label publicist has very little to do with hauling enormous, 40-ton sandstone slabs through the desert.”

To repair the pyramids, the Jews will employ many of the same effective building techniques used during their first construction, including the lever and the pulley.

“We have found that utilizing these techniques makes lifting the rocks up the 75-degree incline that much easier,” Project Coordinator Nassar Achbad said. “Doing it the old way, by hand alone, it would take over 500 years to complete the work. Now, it won’t take more than two or three centuries, if that.”

The Jews first built the pyramids between 2686 and 2181 B.C. under enslavement by numerous pharaohs. Only after Moses, a prophet of the lord Yahweh, rose up to lead them were they able to escape into the desert and relocate to the promised land of Israel. According to published reports, the Jews spent 40 years in the desert subsisting on an unleavened bread product and water, which was found by smashing magical scepters into rocks.

Once again, the Jewish people are hoping for a prophet to rise up from among the people and lead them back to freedom. This prophet may be Florida lawyer Barry Stern, whose successful defense firm in Fort Lauderdale has freed many white and blue collar workers from potential incarceration.

“The climate here is similar to Florida, a dry heat which is more bearable than the hu-midity of say, the Ama-zon rainforest. But I don’t enjoy be-ing whipped by my overseers,” Stern said. “If this continues, litigation may be pending.”

Though they do not fear legal recourse, Egyp-tian officials are hopeful that the Jews won’t pull out in a similar manner as last time, visiting a host of deadly plagues on the Egyptian people. This culminated in the parting of the Red Sea, which drowned over half the Egyptian army.

Said Sabah: “I hope they don’t do that again.“

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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