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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Jihadist Woman Wishes Her Sons Could Be More Like Those Tsarnaev Boys

SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman and fervent jihadist Adila Nasser told reporters Monday that she wished her sons could be as dedicated to killing American infidels as those passionate Tsarnaev boys. “I always say to my sons Omar and Hazim, ‘Look at the Tsarnaevs. They’re basically your age, and there they are, waging a holy war against the West,’” said Nasser, adding that if her sons were half the religious zealots the Tsarnaevs are, she’d be happy. “Sure, Omar and Hazim sit around and talk about raining fiery jihad down on America, but would they ever actually get up and do something about it like Tamerlan and Dzhokar? I don’t know. Maybe I’m messing up as a parent by constantly comparing them.” Nasser added that the mother of the alleged Boston bombers, Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, “must be so proud.”

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