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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Jihadist Woman Wishes Her Sons Could Be More Like Those Tsarnaev Boys

SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman and fervent jihadist Adila Nasser told reporters Monday that she wished her sons could be as dedicated to killing American infidels as those passionate Tsarnaev boys. “I always say to my sons Omar and Hazim, ‘Look at the Tsarnaevs. They’re basically your age, and there they are, waging a holy war against the West,’” said Nasser, adding that if her sons were half the religious zealots the Tsarnaevs are, she’d be happy. “Sure, Omar and Hazim sit around and talk about raining fiery jihad down on America, but would they ever actually get up and do something about it like Tamerlan and Dzhokar? I don’t know. Maybe I’m messing up as a parent by constantly comparing them.” Nasser added that the mother of the alleged Boston bombers, Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, “must be so proud.”

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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