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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Jihadist Woman Wishes Her Sons Could Be More Like Those Tsarnaev Boys

SANA’A, YEMEN—Weeks after bombing suspects Tamerlan and Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged attack on the Boston Marathon that left three dead, local Yemeni woman and fervent jihadist Adila Nasser told reporters Monday that she wished her sons could be as dedicated to killing American infidels as those passionate Tsarnaev boys. “I always say to my sons Omar and Hazim, ‘Look at the Tsarnaevs. They’re basically your age, and there they are, waging a holy war against the West,’” said Nasser, adding that if her sons were half the religious zealots the Tsarnaevs are, she’d be happy. “Sure, Omar and Hazim sit around and talk about raining fiery jihad down on America, but would they ever actually get up and do something about it like Tamerlan and Dzhokar? I don’t know. Maybe I’m messing up as a parent by constantly comparing them.” Nasser added that the mother of the alleged Boston bombers, Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, “must be so proud.”

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