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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jim Caldwell Provides Lions Players With Printouts Of Inspiring Halftime Speech

DETROIT—As the Detroit Lions entered the locker room Sunday following the first half of their game against the Chicago Bears, head coach Jim Caldwell reportedly provided every player with a three-page printout of an inspiring halftime speech. “Everyone, please take one,” Caldwell told players as he handed out copies of a 1,400-word, single-spaced motivational locker-room address, titled “Halftime Speech 10/18/15,” which had various words and phrases bolded or underlined for emphasis. “You have approximately 12 minutes to read it before the third quarter starts. You may begin.” After he made sure that everyone on the team had a copy, team sources confirmed that Caldwell stood quietly at the front of the locker room while the entire team read in complete silence.


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