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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jim Calhoun's History Of Breaking The Rules And Wasting Away

Jim Calhoun was hit hard by sanctions this week after the NCAA found he committed recruiting violations by telling high school recruits he was nothing more than a pitiable old man who is going to die soon. The NCAA collected evidence for months in the process of investigating these charges. The 30-page notice of allegations included transcripts of phone calls Calhoun had with prospective recruits:

OSN analysis of the evidence suggests that Calhoun did break NCAA rules, as enumerated here:

The NCAA is also investigating some of Calhoun's sideline behavior, including frequently clutching his chest, wailing to God and dressing Associate Head Coach George Blaney as the specter of Death hovering over Calhoun's shoulder:

Though this was the first time Calhoun had come within the NCAA's sights, it is far from the first time allegations were leveled against him for misdeed related to guilting recruits and his incredible age.

  • Guarantees Donyell Marshall he will never coach him because he will be dead inside of six months.
  • Caron Butler signs a letter of intent with the Huskies after Calhoun threatens to haunt his ancestors for 1000 years if he doesn't.
  • Forward Curtis Kelly leaves the team after discovering Calhoun was not an ageless demon who could send his entire family to hell with the point of a bony finger.
  • Spends the night at Richard Hamilton's home after complaining his body was tingling and he would die if moved.
  • Asks prized Israeli recruit Doron Sheffer to take him to the Wailing Wall so that he might die in a holy place.
  • After target Brandon Bass announces his intentions to attend LSU, Calhoun calls him and sobs into the receiver for 45 minutes.
  • Interrupts a phone call with recruit Travis Knight to claim his soul is leaving his body.
  • Offers Ricky Moore the opportunity to bring a message to God when he dies if Moore chooses UConn.

For more, see OSN’s list of the most decrepit men in sports.

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