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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jim Calhoun's History Of Breaking The Rules And Wasting Away

Jim Calhoun was hit hard by sanctions this week after the NCAA found he committed recruiting violations by telling high school recruits he was nothing more than a pitiable old man who is going to die soon. The NCAA collected evidence for months in the process of investigating these charges. The 30-page notice of allegations included transcripts of phone calls Calhoun had with prospective recruits:

OSN analysis of the evidence suggests that Calhoun did break NCAA rules, as enumerated here:

The NCAA is also investigating some of Calhoun's sideline behavior, including frequently clutching his chest, wailing to God and dressing Associate Head Coach George Blaney as the specter of Death hovering over Calhoun's shoulder:

Though this was the first time Calhoun had come within the NCAA's sights, it is far from the first time allegations were leveled against him for misdeed related to guilting recruits and his incredible age.

  • Guarantees Donyell Marshall he will never coach him because he will be dead inside of six months.
  • Caron Butler signs a letter of intent with the Huskies after Calhoun threatens to haunt his ancestors for 1000 years if he doesn't.
  • Forward Curtis Kelly leaves the team after discovering Calhoun was not an ageless demon who could send his entire family to hell with the point of a bony finger.
  • Spends the night at Richard Hamilton's home after complaining his body was tingling and he would die if moved.
  • Asks prized Israeli recruit Doron Sheffer to take him to the Wailing Wall so that he might die in a holy place.
  • After target Brandon Bass announces his intentions to attend LSU, Calhoun calls him and sobs into the receiver for 45 minutes.
  • Interrupts a phone call with recruit Travis Knight to claim his soul is leaving his body.
  • Offers Ricky Moore the opportunity to bring a message to God when he dies if Moore chooses UConn.

For more, see OSN’s list of the most decrepit men in sports.

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