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Jim Harbaugh

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Jim Harbaugh

49ers Head Coach

Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking quarterbacks, picking other quarterbacks

Strategy: Always scripts first 15 outbursts of game; balances offense with mix of throwing tantrums and running mouth off about officiating

Clipboard Holding Style: Inverse Lancaster

Feelings On Making It To First Super Bowl: Absolutely furious

Childhood Hero: Jim Harbaugh

Best NFL Memory: Being backup for Ryan Leaf on 2000 Chargers team

Coaching Idol: 3rd-century obsidian sculpture of serpentine clock management god

Hat Size: Only wears flex-fit hats to allow room for rage-swelling

Style: Physical, smash-mouth bitching at referees

NEXT: Colin Kaepernick

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