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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jim Harbaugh

49ers Head Coach

Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking quarterbacks, picking other quarterbacks

Strategy: Always scripts first 15 outbursts of game; balances offense with mix of throwing tantrums and running mouth off about officiating

Clipboard Holding Style: Inverse Lancaster

Feelings On Making It To First Super Bowl: Absolutely furious

Childhood Hero: Jim Harbaugh

Best NFL Memory: Being backup for Ryan Leaf on 2000 Chargers team

Coaching Idol: 3rd-century obsidian sculpture of serpentine clock management god

Hat Size: Only wears flex-fit hats to allow room for rage-swelling

Style: Physical, smash-mouth bitching at referees

NEXT: Colin Kaepernick

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