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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jim Harbaugh

49ers Head Coach

Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking quarterbacks, picking other quarterbacks

Strategy: Always scripts first 15 outbursts of game; balances offense with mix of throwing tantrums and running mouth off about officiating

Clipboard Holding Style: Inverse Lancaster

Feelings On Making It To First Super Bowl: Absolutely furious

Childhood Hero: Jim Harbaugh

Best NFL Memory: Being backup for Ryan Leaf on 2000 Chargers team

Coaching Idol: 3rd-century obsidian sculpture of serpentine clock management god

Hat Size: Only wears flex-fit hats to allow room for rage-swelling

Style: Physical, smash-mouth bitching at referees

NEXT: Colin Kaepernick

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