The Week In Sports

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.
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Jim Harbaugh Spends Post-Practice Interview Heaping Praise On Blade Of Grass That Really Impressed Him

ANN ARBOR, MI—Excitedly touting the toughness and perfect form that elevate it above the millions of blades he watches every day, Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh spent a post-practice interview Thursday heaping praise on a blade of grass on the field that really impressed him. “It’s been doing a hell of a job in camp, that’s for sure, and you can tell it’s not afraid of taking a hit,” said Harbaugh, who effusively complimented the single strand of grass’s ability to bounce back after getting stepped on and it’s selfless, no-nonsense work ethic, noting that the grass appears at practice every day before he himself even gets there. “It never complains, and it does its job every single day. That’s the kind of grass I want on my field. It has the true heart of a champion, and watching it out there putting in a hard day’s work always gets me jacked up.” Harbaugh then confirmed for reporters that he had cut several thousand blades of grass from the field this week after determining they did not meet his expectations for Michigan turf.

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