Jim Joyce Accidentally Deletes Book He's Writing With Armando Galarraga

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.

Which Obama do want in office?

Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the fake Obama in office since the nation is already used to him.
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Jim Joyce Accidentally Deletes Book He's Writing With Armando Galarraga

NEW YORK—As umpire Jim Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga completed the writing of their book, Nobody's Perfect, Monday afternoon, Joyce accidentally highlighted the entire document and hit the delete key, thereby destroying all 240 pages of text. "I just cost that kid the whole book," a teary-eyed Joyce said to a group of reporters, adding that up until the end, the writing was going perfectly. "I was sure I put my finger where the period key was, I swear. But it was the delete key. It was the biggest moment of both of our writing careers, and I blew it." Though Galarraga forgave Joyce rather quickly, the umpire insisted on crying for a few more hours.

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