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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Jim Lehrer Forced To Report On His Own Botched Debate Moderator Performance On Tonight's 'NewsHour'

NEW YORK—After conducting the first of the 2012 presidential debates earlier this week, former anchor Jim Lehrer hosted PBS NewsHour’s political analysis roundtable on Friday, an appearance that forced him to discuss the quality of his widely panned performance as moderator. “The consensus among commentators is that Jim Lehrer completely lost control of this debate, failed to make the candidates adhere to its format, and generally allowed them to spend the full hour and a half reciting talking points on any subject they wished. Your thoughts?” Lehrer asked fellow commentators Mark Shields and David Brooks, both of whom agreed with their colleague’s scathing assessment of himself. “As someone who has reported on every presidential debate since 1960 and moderated 12 of them, including Wednesday night’s horribly handled contest between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, I’m simply at a loss. It was frankly painful to watch the two debaters walk all over Mr. Lehrer, and I’m sure that, in hindsight, he wishes to God he had never signed on for the job.” Shields and Brooks spent the remaining 59 minutes of the broadcast providing a wide-range of political analysis and seldom allowing Lehrer to get a word in edgewise.

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