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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jim Leyland To Tigers: 'Do I Have To Get Naked And Yell Some Sense Into You?'

DETROIT—Following the Tigers' 11-0 loss at home against the White Sox Sunday, frustrated manager Jim Leyland attempted to get through to his struggling ballclub by screaming in their faces, gesticulating wildly while pacing up and down the locker room floor, and removing every article of his clothing save for his socks. "We gave up two fucking grand slams in one game!" said Leyland, pointing at his bullpen with one hand and brandishing his recently removed pants in the other. "Do I need to run out to the mound with my dick swinging in the wind between every pitch so you goddamn well don't do that?" Leyland then stormed out of the locker room, held a markedly stilted post-game press conference, walked out of the clubhouse, and drove home.

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