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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Jim Morrison Foundation Awards $50,000 Grant To Little Shit Who Thinks He's A Poet

LOS ANGELES—Citing the 17-year-old's awkward overuse of Native American imagery and general ability to make long lists of random adjectival phrases, the Jim Morrison Foundation announced Monday the awarding of a $50,000 grant to self-obsessed little shit Jerome Caudry of Shullsburg, WI. "In Jerome's verse, all of which seems to be about Jerome himself as he struggles with the burden of approaching the edge of prophecy and daring to peek over, we hear echoes of the Lizard King himself," read a press release from the foundation, which has given annual grants to brooding, solipsistic pukes since 1983. "This gift should help Mr. Caudry achieve his personal goals, which we hope include winding up dead in a bathtub within the year." Caudry's myopically self- aggrandizing autobiographical novel The Bleeding Sky's Wife Shatters The Soul-Mask Of The Hopi Postman was also short-listed for this year's Richard Brautigan Prize for Thpppppt! Oh, Give Me a Fucking Break.

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