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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Jim Morrison Foundation Awards $50,000 Grant To Little Shit Who Thinks He's A Poet

LOS ANGELES—Citing the 17-year-old's awkward overuse of Native American imagery and general ability to make long lists of random adjectival phrases, the Jim Morrison Foundation announced Monday the awarding of a $50,000 grant to self-obsessed little shit Jerome Caudry of Shullsburg, WI. "In Jerome's verse, all of which seems to be about Jerome himself as he struggles with the burden of approaching the edge of prophecy and daring to peek over, we hear echoes of the Lizard King himself," read a press release from the foundation, which has given annual grants to brooding, solipsistic pukes since 1983. "This gift should help Mr. Caudry achieve his personal goals, which we hope include winding up dead in a bathtub within the year." Caudry's myopically self- aggrandizing autobiographical novel The Bleeding Sky's Wife Shatters The Soul-Mask Of The Hopi Postman was also short-listed for this year's Richard Brautigan Prize for Thpppppt! Oh, Give Me a Fucking Break.

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