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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Jim Morrison Foundation Awards $50,000 Grant To Little Shit Who Thinks He's A Poet

LOS ANGELES—Citing the 17-year-old's awkward overuse of Native American imagery and general ability to make long lists of random adjectival phrases, the Jim Morrison Foundation announced Monday the awarding of a $50,000 grant to self-obsessed little shit Jerome Caudry of Shullsburg, WI. "In Jerome's verse, all of which seems to be about Jerome himself as he struggles with the burden of approaching the edge of prophecy and daring to peek over, we hear echoes of the Lizard King himself," read a press release from the foundation, which has given annual grants to brooding, solipsistic pukes since 1983. "This gift should help Mr. Caudry achieve his personal goals, which we hope include winding up dead in a bathtub within the year." Caudry's myopically self- aggrandizing autobiographical novel The Bleeding Sky's Wife Shatters The Soul-Mask Of The Hopi Postman was also short-listed for this year's Richard Brautigan Prize for Thpppppt! Oh, Give Me a Fucking Break.

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