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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Jim Nantz Makes Arnold Palmer Watch Old Clips Of Himself Until He Cries

AUGUSTA, GA—During a televised tribute to 77-year-old Arnold Palmer, CBS's lead golf anchor Jim Nantz made the four-time Masters champion watch old clips of himself as a young, athletic, handsome man until Palmer broke down and cried. "Arnie, look at your swing—look at the way you used to move so powerfully yet gracefully through the ball," said Nantz, who then made the already choked-up Palmer begin to sob when he pointed out all the adoring fans cheering him on during his 1958 Masters victory. "And here, for the first time, in color, is footage of you winning the 1960 Masters. Your clothes fit you so much better. You walk down the fairways with agility. You are really at the top of your game here both physically and mentally. God, you must miss it." According to a production assistant present at the taping, Nantz denied Palmer any tissues.

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