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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jim Nantz Makes Arnold Palmer Watch Old Clips Of Himself Until He Cries

AUGUSTA, GA—During a televised tribute to 77-year-old Arnold Palmer, CBS's lead golf anchor Jim Nantz made the four-time Masters champion watch old clips of himself as a young, athletic, handsome man until Palmer broke down and cried. "Arnie, look at your swing—look at the way you used to move so powerfully yet gracefully through the ball," said Nantz, who then made the already choked-up Palmer begin to sob when he pointed out all the adoring fans cheering him on during his 1958 Masters victory. "And here, for the first time, in color, is footage of you winning the 1960 Masters. Your clothes fit you so much better. You walk down the fairways with agility. You are really at the top of your game here both physically and mentally. God, you must miss it." According to a production assistant present at the taping, Nantz denied Palmer any tissues.

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