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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jim Nantz Wonders Aloud What Holding Basketball Like

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that he has always dreamed about the experience, CBS Sports announcer Jim Nantz reportedly wondered aloud what holding a basketball might be like during Friday afternoon’s broadcast. “It’s moments like this, as I watch these young players, that I imagine how truly amazing it must feel to hold a basketball,” said Nantz, marveling at the prospect of grabbing the basketball, lifting it over his head, or even gently spinning it in his hands. “A wave of emotion must course through your body while tracing your fingertips over those little bumps and the black lines on the ball. Gosh, it must be absolutely exhilarating for these young men when they finally get to hold a basketball. My heart is racing right now just thinking about it.” Nantz then reportedly turned to his broadcast partner Grant Hill and asked him to describe what it was like to hold a basketball during Duke’s appearance in the 1992 NCAA National Championship Game.

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