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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

DETROIT—Reports from Lions practice this week indicate a growing sense of concern over head coach Jim Schwartz’s decision to continue managing the team despite exhibiting a variety of concussion-like symptoms. “Between his inability to concentrate, confused demeanor, and extreme irritability, he shows all the signs of having suffered a traumatic brain injury,” said head trainer Dr. Rick Holloway, adding that Schwartz’s slurred speech and typically blank expression further suggest that at some point the coach was subjected to a violent blow to the head. “At times he seems to lack total situational awareness and often does not appear to understand what is being asked of him. Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him going out there and leading the team like that, but unfortunately there’s no rule in place that says I can stop him.” When asked to comment, Schwartz reportedly insisted he feels fine and is more than prepared to coach his team to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals.

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