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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

DETROIT—Reports from Lions practice this week indicate a growing sense of concern over head coach Jim Schwartz’s decision to continue managing the team despite exhibiting a variety of concussion-like symptoms. “Between his inability to concentrate, confused demeanor, and extreme irritability, he shows all the signs of having suffered a traumatic brain injury,” said head trainer Dr. Rick Holloway, adding that Schwartz’s slurred speech and typically blank expression further suggest that at some point the coach was subjected to a violent blow to the head. “At times he seems to lack total situational awareness and often does not appear to understand what is being asked of him. Frankly, I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him going out there and leading the team like that, but unfortunately there’s no rule in place that says I can stop him.” When asked to comment, Schwartz reportedly insisted he feels fine and is more than prepared to coach his team to a victory over the Arizona Cardinals.

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