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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Jim Thome Leaves Game Early With Tightness In Pants

BALTIMORE—Orioles designated hitter Jim Thome was forced to leave in the fourth inning of Sunday’s game against the Boston Red Sox after complaining about tightness in his pants. “Something just didn’t feel right and I could barely walk,” said Thome, who caused concern for teammates and coaches as he grimaced while gingerly ambling off the field. “It really pinched in the thighs and restricted movement in my legs. It even hurt to sit. I hope this doesn’t keep me out of the lineup for too long. The trainers tried to help me stretch out the fabric but it was still awfully stiff.” Thome, who has suffered from chronic trouseritis for much of his career, received good news Monday when the MRI revealed that the 42-year-old did not tear his pants.

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