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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jimmie Johnson Disqualified After Pre-Race Inspection Reveals Car To Be Airplane

RICHMOND, VA—Following a pre-race inspection, NASCAR officials announced Friday that the car to be used by Jimmie Johnson's Hendrick Motorsports team at Richmond has been disqualified from Saturday's race because the Lowe's Chevrolet was found to be a Gulfstream G550 jet. "The No. 48 car's nose was narrower than our templates, so I can see why they thought they might get this past us, but it came in 44,800 pounds overweight, had giant wings, and wasn’t even powered by internal combustion," said Sprint Cup Series official John Darby, who acknowledged that Johnson's vehicle had been equipped with a pushrod V-8, but scrutineers discovered the engine was just sitting in the aisle and not connected to any sort of drivetrain. "We have these rules to keep the competition fair and, more to the point, to keep the drivers safe, and no roll cage, window netting, or harnesses had been put in. We wouldn't even let anyone near this thing… Nothing was done to help anyone survive a crash." NASCAR said it will investigate further before deciding on penalties, but a closer look at footage showed Johnson's car has been flying through the air most of his career.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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