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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Jimmie Johnson Disqualified After Pre-Race Inspection Reveals Car To Be Airplane

RICHMOND, VA—Following a pre-race inspection, NASCAR officials announced Friday that the car to be used by Jimmie Johnson's Hendrick Motorsports team at Richmond has been disqualified from Saturday's race because the Lowe's Chevrolet was found to be a Gulfstream G550 jet. "The No. 48 car's nose was narrower than our templates, so I can see why they thought they might get this past us, but it came in 44,800 pounds overweight, had giant wings, and wasn’t even powered by internal combustion," said Sprint Cup Series official John Darby, who acknowledged that Johnson's vehicle had been equipped with a pushrod V-8, but scrutineers discovered the engine was just sitting in the aisle and not connected to any sort of drivetrain. "We have these rules to keep the competition fair and, more to the point, to keep the drivers safe, and no roll cage, window netting, or harnesses had been put in. We wouldn't even let anyone near this thing… Nothing was done to help anyone survive a crash." NASCAR said it will investigate further before deciding on penalties, but a closer look at footage showed Johnson's car has been flying through the air most of his career.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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