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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Jimmie Johnson Forgives Lug Nut That Almost Cost Him Nextel Cup

MIAMI, FL—Following a ninth-place finish in the Ford 400 Sunday that clinched him NASCAR's Nextel Cup championship, an emotional Jimmie Johnson tearfully forgave the front lug nut that almost came loose during Lap 116. "Gol' durn it, lug nut, you… you son of a gun, you really had me scared there," said Johnson, who apologized for "getting so angry" and "saying things about the lug nut in the heat of the moment that are both untrue and not suitable to be repeated." "But I never thought for a minute you'd let me down. You're the glue that holds my tires, my car, and this great sport together—and I mean that." Johnson added that, despite earning his first career Nextel Cup win, he still may never be able to forgive the punctured radiator that ruined his chances for the title in 2004.

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