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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Jimmie Johnson Goes Out For Nice 180 MPH Drive To Clear His Head

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying he was "still stressed out" from the tension of winning his fifth consecutive Sprint Cup, Hendrick Motorsports driver Jimmie Johnson unwound Tuesday by taking his No. 48 Lowe's Chevrolet for a leisurely 180 mph drive through the North Carolina countryside. "Sometimes I just like to throw on my comfy old Nomex suit and gloves, slide through the window of my Chevy, strap on the HANS device, buckle into that five-point racing harness, and just go," said Johnson, who claimed nothing was more soothing than watching the miles click by at the rate of three a minute. "I love turning up the radio and putting my elbow up on the fire extinguisher while I just kind of watch the world hurtle by like I haven't got a care in the world." Johnson returned two hours later, having only stopped outside of Atlanta for 9.6 seconds to get gas.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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