adBlockCheck

Recent News

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jimmy Buffett Pays For Own Drink For First Time In 17 Years

MIAMI BEACH, FL—Entertainment personality and novelty-song writer Jimmy Buffett sustained confusion Monday after being forced to hand over approximately $10 for an alcoholic beverage he ordered at Miami Beach's Beachcombover's Dugout Bar And Grill, an incident that had not occurred since the late 1980s. "I'm still not sure how it happened—I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, drank it, and got up to leave as usual, but then the bartender stopped me, and I didn't know what he wanted me to do," said Buffett, 60, who composed a bitter yet theoretically humorous ballad about the incident later that day. "When he requested money for the drink, I thought, well, that's reasonable. But then no one would give him any." Bar staff said that perhaps the timing of the incident contributed to Buffett's predicament, since during the day potential drink-buyers typically spend their weekday afternoons managing shoe stores, adjusting claims, or entering data.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close