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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Jimmy Buffett Pays For Own Drink For First Time In 17 Years

MIAMI BEACH, FL—Entertainment personality and novelty-song writer Jimmy Buffett sustained confusion Monday after being forced to hand over approximately $10 for an alcoholic beverage he ordered at Miami Beach's Beachcombover's Dugout Bar And Grill, an incident that had not occurred since the late 1980s. "I'm still not sure how it happened—I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, drank it, and got up to leave as usual, but then the bartender stopped me, and I didn't know what he wanted me to do," said Buffett, 60, who composed a bitter yet theoretically humorous ballad about the incident later that day. "When he requested money for the drink, I thought, well, that's reasonable. But then no one would give him any." Bar staff said that perhaps the timing of the incident contributed to Buffett's predicament, since during the day potential drink-buyers typically spend their weekday afternoons managing shoe stores, adjusting claims, or entering data.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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