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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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J.K. Rowling Revealed To Be Pseudonym For Newt Gingrich

Former Speaker Wrote All Harry Potter Books, Sources Confirm

WASHINGTON—Following news that author J.K. Rowling had secretly authored the crime novel The Cuckoo’s Calling under the pen name Robert Galbraith earlier this year, multiple reports confirmed today that Rowling, widely known as the author of the popular Harry Potter series of books, is actually the longtime pseudonym of former house speaker Newt Gingrich, who created the boy wizard and penned all seven of the bestselling novels. “Assuming a fake identity really gave me a lot of freedom to build out the world of Hogwarts and flesh out the characters without drawing unwanted attention to myself or having the novels associated in any way with my political career,” Gingrich said in a statement, confirming reports he wrote the first four books in the fantasy series while still in office, but wrote the remainder before his 2012 presidential run. “I am happy readers enjoyed my books, as I myself have always felt a very strong personal connection to Harry, Dumbledore, Hermione, and all of my other characters. Honestly, I miss them all every day.” Gingrich went on to say while he mostly tried to keep his political life separate from his fiction, the character of Ron Weasley was based almost entirely on Tom Daschle.

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