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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Joakim Noah Gets Some Ugly But Gutsy Yard Work Done Over The Weekend

CHICAGO—Though his neighbors said it wasn't a pretty sight, Bulls journeyman Joakim Noah reportedly put forward maximum effort while trimming hedges, fertilizing his lawn, and mulching during a workmanlike, 86-minute performance in his yard Monday. "He isn't afraid to grind it out, I'll give him that," said Edward Stanton, 46, a stockbroker who watched Noah whitewash the fence that marks the border between their lawns and confirmed he was impressed by the center's tenacity with the paint. "Not the most elegant approach I've ever seen, using his elbows like that, but he does get the job done." Meanwhile, across town, onlookers at Derrick Rose's backyard barbecue marveled as the point guard dished out 12 straight buckets of chicken.

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