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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Job Applicant Blows Away Interviewer With Intimate Knowledge Of Company’s ‘About Us’ Page

SEATTLE—Following an interview this morning during which job applicant Joshua Meyer described his admiration for the way Incite Analytics integrates a creative mindset with a business-minded approach, sources within the local marketing firm said they were “completely blown away” by the prospective employee’s extensive knowledge of the company’s “About Us” webpage. “I have to say, Joshua seemed to have a really firm handle on our values and goals as a company,” said human resources manager Rebecca Clifton, admitting that she was also “pretty floored” by Meyer’s ability to name the exact year the firm was founded and where its original headquarters were located. “He referred to us as a pioneer in the digital marketing industry and was aware that we help our clients maximize opportunities in a changing media landscape. He even knew about our core partnerships with market leaders like Acquia and Target. All around, he’s a pretty remarkable candidate who really seems to understand what we do here.” Clifton added that Meyer further managed to “knock her socks off” by providing short biographies of each member of the company’s executive leadership team.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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