adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Job Applicant Totally Nails Interview With Person Who Will Make Life A Living Hell For Next 5 Years

Tullman says he “totally crushed” a question about where he sees himself in five years, unaware that, by that time, he will be an embittered shell of himself who’s desperate to leave his job.
Tullman says he “totally crushed” a question about where he sees himself in five years, unaware that, by that time, he will be an embittered shell of himself who’s desperate to leave his job.

SAN ANTONIO—Appearing upbeat and optimistic upon leaving the offices of Red Spur Media on Thursday, local job applicant Marc Tullman told reporters he totally nailed his interview with the man who will make his existence a waking nightmare for the next five years.

The 32-year-old prospective marketing analyst said he “knocked it out of the park” during his meeting with Red Spur vice president Peter Palmero, who in just several weeks will start casually dismissing Tullman’s ideas and begin to routinely embarrass him in front of colleagues, setting the hellish tone of his work life for years to come.

“I just walked into that office and absolutely crushed it—it couldn’t have gone any better,” said Tullman, who according to sources will have impossible expectations placed upon him every single day by Palmero and, as the years of inevitably failing to live up to those standards go by, will be reduced to a deflated husk of a man. “After listening to what Peter said about the direction of the company and the position they’re looking to fill right now, I have no doubt I’m the right person for the job. And I got the sense he felt the same way.”

“We just really connected, you know?” he continued, referring to the man who won’t hesitate to use him as a scapegoat anytime things go wrong. “I think I made a great impression on him.”

Discussing the interview, which lasted 30 minutes and took place in the office where he will be upbraided countless times until years of mounting frustration and despair finally drive him to quit, Tullman said he gave the perfect answer to every question about his previous employment, technical skills, and greatest strengths and weaknesses.

In addition, Tullman reported that he made solid eye contact throughout the meeting and ended on a strong handshake, projecting a confidence that will be gradually decimated over the next half decade as Palmero micromanages him to a maddening degree and stymies his career advancement time and time again.

“I was getting a good vibe from the moment I walked in. All that background research I did on the company definitely paid off once Peter and I got to talking,” said Tullman, recounting his diligent preparation to impress the person whose name, when mentioned, will soon have the power to leave him feeling panicked day or night, even during holidays and when he’s on vacation. “It just goes to show that if you put in the hard work ahead of time, you get the results you’re after.”

“On the way out, he took the time to introduce me to everyone in his department,” Tullman continued, referring to the coworkers whose opinions of him will be shaped more or less exclusively by meetings in which he is openly ridiculed by Palmero. “I’d say that’s a pretty good sign.”

Palmero himself, whose demands will reportedly include that his new hire frequently stay late, work on weekends, and occasionally fetch drinks for visiting clients, later confirmed that Tullman would make a great replacement for the person who previously held the position, an employee whose brief tenure at the company he systematically ruined between 2010 and August of this year.

“Marc is certainly the strongest candidate I’ve interviewed so far,” said Palmero, whose voice alone will, until late 2019, be enough to make Tullman feel completely miserable about life. “There are still a few people coming in this afternoon, but barring any great surprises, I think I’ve made my decision.”

“I think I’ll very much enjoy having Marc on our team,” he added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close